Daughters and dating: What influence can you have?

Jun 8, 2011 by Amy-Jo    No Comments    Posted under: Dads, dating, Featured, Girls Ministry, Moms

The Title was : Too Close Too Soon: Avoiding the Heartache of Premature Intimacy by Jim A. Talley

It’s still got some great lessons in there for both teens and parents.

If your daughter is already dating and you haven’t done some of the foundation work, don’t give up.  If you are a parent, take time to interact with the dates your daughter is having.  Make it required for her dates to spend a dinner  or time with the family so that you can get to know the person who is influencing your daughter’s life.  Ensure that their character and spiritual pursuits  line up with those that you have for your daughter.  I have had many a conversation with a parent that is disappointed with their daughter’s choice to date a non-believer. I wonder what conversations happened before that daughter began dating that helped her know what to look for in a guy.  Thankfully my mother began having those conversations with me early on.  She let me know that she prayed for my future spouse.  Hearing that my mom was praying for my future spouse made me want to do the same thing at an early age.  I am so thankful that she did that because I can see those prayers answered in the person I married today.  Make plans to pray for your daughter audibly about the people who will influence her heart.  Tell her what things you are looking for in a guy for her way before she meets a “lloyd” who knows he only wants to “hang with your daughter.”

GIRLSMINISTER on words girls need to hear from their fathers

Mar 3, 2011 by Amy-Jo    2 Comments    Posted under: Dads, Featured, Girls Ministry

This post is not something I typically share. I’m not a big heart sharer. It’s just not comfortable for me. But as I talked with a friend of mine yesterday at lunch, his words hit me. He told me sometimes these things are not just for  you, but God can use them to help others.  Well, while this thing is fresh, I decided to do my one and only heart share on this topic of fathers. Next week is my Dad’s birthday (March 13). He would be 83 I believe. He’s been gone for 11 years this June after complications from Colon cancer. It’s sometimes a messy time for me to reflect on that relationship. Without going into details I’ll sum it up briefly, it was a damaging and discouraging relationship , but as I grow more distant from the day I said goodbye to him, I find that it is important to give thanks that Christ speaks to that hurt in my life and to honor the dark days just as much as the beautiful days. As it is in those dark days that I found comfort, wisdom, and strength through my Savior that I would not have known without choosing to walk that moment with Him. So today I post a draft I wrote in 2007 to quietly honor my dad—as messy as he was—and to call attention to words that your girls need to hear from fathers and spiritual fathers.  I truly hope for those that work with teen girls, that you will take some of the ideas I post and get them in the hands of the fathers and spiritual fathers in your church.  I say spiritual fathers, because I am a living testimony of men that took some of the role my father abdicated and spoke into my life.  Fathers are extremely important to girls ministry, and my prayer is that we—myself included—continue to elevate this relationship as we minister to girls and their families.

missing words that cause holes…a draft post from my personal blog in 2007
There is an honesty that comes when you look at the gunk in your heart isn’t there? There are times when I realize that I crave words to be said from my father—things that most daughters hear on a regular basis and probably take for granted. Things that I will never hear because my father is not here anymore. This “need” and “hurt” stunned me so much the other day that I truly caught myself wishing my dad were here to say “I’m proud of you”. It came from out of the blue. I realized this need oddly when I heard the words said to me by my older brother. It caught me off guard and emotions came alive that I had stuffed inside of me for over 20 years. I gave up on hearing those words from my dad, but there was a hole that still wants to hear that apparently. How sad and messy it is to have to live in a fallen world that words from fathers or missing words from fathers have power to imprison us. I share this only to show that when I become aware of the wounds left from living in a fallen world, that i don’t have to stay that way. I will never hear those words from my dad. But Christ is faithful to remind me that no person can give or take worth from me. Christ has already told me how much I mean to Him by what He has accomplished on the cross. Christ is healing me—I hope the same is true for you today. I hope that Christ is repairing…remaking…replacing…refocusing..and creating new things within you. I hope that whatever the cry of your heart is today…that you do not attempt to fill it with people/places/or things but simply show Christ what you are dealing with and ask for Him to do what He does best—give Life to the dead places we hang onto. Below is a song that I meditate on in the car—or while I run and it is a prayer that I sing as often as I can. Download the song from Starfield because it is amazingly beautiful.

“Cry In My Heart” by Starfield
There’s a cry in my heart
For Your glory to fall
For Your presence to fill up my senses
There’s a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper
Could You take me beyond?
Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart?
Could I go there with You?
(For I’ve been here before But I know there’s still more Oh, Lord, I need to know You)
For what do I have If I don’t have You, Jesus?
What in this life Could mean any more?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter Of my head
Lifter of this head

A WORD TO FATHERS:

Fathers, my pastor has repeatedly said during baby dedications at our church that you are the first example of a boyfriend/husband your daughter will ever see. You set the bar for how she expects men to treat her. My advice is along those same lines, but with some definitive suggestions of how to be that example.

My word to you is the following:

• Begin showing your daughter how men should treat women by taking her on a date night where it’s just you and her.
• Find out what she has to say—she wants to know she has a voice with you.
• Be present with her on daddy daughter dates. (leave the cell phone in the glove compartment)
• Ask her about her dreams.
• Call out things in her that you see that God has specially placed within her. Encourage her—meaning fill her with courage through the things you say to her.
• Redefine beauty for her by calling out things other than her fashion that you find beautiful.
• Take off from work and go have lunch with her at school—but bring something in from fast food land for her and all her friends! BONUS POINTS!
• Look her in the eyes and tell her how proud you are to be her father.
• Write her a physical note before she goes on a big events to remind her that you are praying for her.
• Pray with her before she goes to bed at night. Talk about her to God in front of her.
• Tell her you love her and give her hugs/kisses often. Especially as she transitions from 6th-8th grade. Fathers often distance themselves during this time as their daughter starts looking like a young woman but don’t leave her. She needs you more than ever during this time.

These are just some starters…

What’s the skinny on dieting and teen’s bones?

Jan 8, 2010 by     2 Comments    Posted under: Dads, diets, Featured, Girls Ministry, Moms

I want to call our attention to something that is not surprising but perhaps may allow us to present a wake-up call to our daughters and those we mentor. I’m wary of posting this on girlsminister.com because I do not want to see this article create panic and then cause girls ministries to hold retreats that make girls take the Presidential fitness test or something crazy like that.  I am putting this in the toolbox though to help you have your eyes open to the individual conversations that allow you to speak into a girls heart that may be struggling with dieting.

This is a conversation we should have with girls who have let us know they are trying to lose weight for this new year.  With all the ads, marketing, and poor modeling they have seen from the women in their lives…I don’t think many girls know what healthy living even looks like.  I do not use the word dieting—because it comes with a lot of baggage.  Our daughters and the girls we mentor need to know a quick fad diet may give them immediate results but they are actually harming themselves for their future.  I recently read an article from Los Angeles Times and from The UK press that stated:

Professor Jon Tobias, leader of the research, says: “There is a good deal of pressure on teenage girls to be thin, but they need to be aware that this could endanger their developing skeleton and put them at increased risk of osteoporosis.

Click here for the full article

“Puberty is an important time of bone growth… thickness of the bone is still continuing to develop,” Tobias said. It’s also the time when girls start dieting to control weight and cease to engage in rigorous physical activity, Tobias said — a dangerous combination.

With all of the pressure to be a size 1 or 0, I’m afraid girls do not realize that they may be doing great damage to their bodies just so they can fit within a size.  There’s loads of articles that support this, but this one just caught my attention today.  So what do we do to help girls know how to eat and excercise healthy?   A teen girl needs to eat differently than an adult because they are still growing.  We need to help girls understand that while the mirror tells them one story, the nutrition they are putting into their bodies or not putting into their bodies may be telling a different story in their bones and muscles.  If they start uttering the words—diet, ask them if they are doing any excercise.  If they say no, ask them if you can help them figure out some healthy ways to living that help them to move away from dieting.  Let’s learn healthy living and take dieting out of our vocabulary. Besides anything that has the word “die” in it isn’t a place we want to focus right?  Let’s focus on little changes that we can do for a lifetime…and not a fad diet that we do for a weekend.   Help the girls that are in your life that may be living dangerously in these areas not to eliminate food, but to evaluate the types of food they are putting into their body and the amount of movement their bodies are getting each week.  and remember—pray that these conversations will lead you to the root of the issue that is prompting these body image problems. Remember to be cautious about what words are coming out of your own mouth regarding your body.  They could be taking their cues from you.  If it is a struggle for some of the girls you are with, commit to pray about it together. With this said—I am not a health expert nor a nutritionist. If there are girls that are struggling addicts with food and excercise, you need to make sure they are finding help.

Former motley crue body guard now offers a message of truth to parents and daughters

May 23, 2009 by     No Comments    Posted under: Dads, Featured, Girls Ministry

Ephesians 6 1-4

1.Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. 2. Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; 3.That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. 4.And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

I have had the opportunity to see several fathers help their daughters understand their true identity in Christ.

One such father has had a unique background as a bodyguard that has provided him with too many first hand stories that have given him a perspective that not many people have had. I have a great deal of respect for his two daughters and thought it would be interesting to have his input as a father of daughters on this site. Here are some of the snippets he provided me. I have broken it down into two sections. The first section works best for parents and the final section is addressed to daughters. Thanks Ron for sharing with us your story and mostly thanks for modeling for your daughters true love from a father. I recently heard from a father that works with my husband that the job of the daddy is to fill the love tank of the daughter so much that she doesn’t go looking for someone to fill her love tank. You are definitely doing that with your daughters!

And without further ado…here’s Ron:

TO PARENTS:

I have, in the past, had the rare honor of working with some of the top recording acts in the history of music; first as a tour manager and then as bodyguard. In both jobs I was charged with the safety and welfare of the acts to which I was entrusted. It was a passion. It was not a hobby and it was one I was forced to put my life on the line for more than once.

When I started I was not saved by Grace and aware of the boundless attributes of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I lacked instruction in all areas of life. I lived to be a part of the events that shaped music and I thrived on the vast expression and uniqueness of our time.

When my daughter, Angelique, was born I was Vince Neil, the lead singer of Motley Crue’s, (Voice of the Decade of Decadence) body guard,. and we were on tour with Van Halen (Run’in with the Devil). Every night, in every town their where large crowds of rabid fans willing to do anything to see, touch, talk to, or party with the band. They would go to great lengths to show their admiration like climb through heating and air ducts at the arena s, break into hotel rooms, rush the tour buses and limos–you name it and they would try it. Then there were the more sinister and seedy characters associated with the events. People that were jealous, addicted, thieves and scoundrels of every type; people dangerous to themselves and everyone around them. These same people confront our daughters, in our home communities and will be surrounding them when they leave our homes for college and at the work place.

I used and still use the same three principles of protection, providing understanding and staying strong for my artists as I do for my teenage girls –Vigilance, Instruction, Endurance.

Being a writer I spend a great deal of time researching new words. I even look up words I feel comfortable using but want a clearer understanding of their usage. It is the case with the two words that make up the commands for child rearing in Ephesians 6 both words are important and both set the tone and pattern for raising my teenage daughters

Nurture 1. to feed and protect:. to support and encourage, as during the period of training or development; foster: 3. to bring up; train; educate.

Admonition 1. to caution, advise, or counsel against something. 2. to reprove or scold, esp. in a mild and good-willed manner: 3. to urge to a duty; remind: to admonish them about their obligations.

As a parent of daughters I will endure regardless of the struggle to keep my daughters pure. It may not be popular and you may rail against our authority but in the end you will be glad we cared enough to challenge you into making the right decisions that will allow you to grow with dignity, and respect for yourselves and others and most importantly GOD.

Deuteronomy 6:6-8 6 “These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.”

Ron continually talks with his daughters about God’s commandments. I asked him to share with us what he would share with his daughters. Here is a snippet he wrote to teenaged daughters everywhere:

TO DAUGHTERS:

Girls if you have seen the movie (chick flick) 27 Dresses (that’s right I have seen it 3 times) there is an amazing GOD moment in it. The heroin is an extraordinary wedding planner who meets the hunky newspaper writer, that is forced to write gooey romanticized articles about marriage for his magazine when in reality he hates the very thought of marriage. When he falls in love with the wedding planner he writes a satirical piece about her 27 theme weddings, that embarrasses her. In the make up scene the writer admits to the wedding planner that there is one part of the wedding ceremony he has always loved, “the moment when the groom looks back at the bride coming down the isle and realizes that is his wife forever.”

GOD paints a similar picture in Isaiah 62:5 As a young man marries a maiden… as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you.” One of the most beautiful pictures painted for us as believers is the triumphant return of GOD to take to himself his faithful believers in Christ. He looks at us not only as his prize but as HIS for eternity.

The question for us all is obedience. Are we willing to live holy lives set apart from the fallen world? Including how we talk, act, and here’s a big one girls – how we dress. Again the bible set the standard 1 Peter 3:3 beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes (or few cloths at all). 4.Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 5.For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful.

In the movie “The Producers” Uma Thurman sings a song “If You Got it Flaunt it.” The gist of this comedic ditty is to “put your assets on display.” Listen this lack of discretion bears consequence. First in how you see yourself, how others see you, and finally and most importantly how GOD sees you. According to an intense Kinsey Institute study, the average man forms a thought about sex approximately every two minutes, and that he generally ponders the thought for about a minute, 50 seconds before letting go of it. When my girls were in middle school being taught about appropriate touching their was a song about the “No-No Zones.” Ladies if your No-No Zones have less that 3-5 inches of fabric between them and the great outdoors, factoring in the data of the Kinsey report, than at school, or on the streets, or at the beach you have been visually violated thousands of time a day.

Now imagine GOD is in your High School this afternoon and comes upon you and sees your lack of discretion. Would you be embarrassed? It is not the way GOD intended you to be.

I go through this discussion every month and I will continue to go through it and not be swayed. I know what bad girls look like. As I said they came into my back stage areas every night Not all of them were intending to be bad. But they dressed revealing as much as possible without being arrested, hung out with girlfriends, who themselves may not have been bad people, but in the areas of appropriate behavior felt going for it was– OK. They almost always ended up in compromising, harmful, and even dangerous situations. We are living in the age of STD’s and AIDS and the consequences of turning from GODS intended plan for you young ladies, our daughters, is devastating. As a parent of daughters I will endure regardless of the struggle to keep my daughters pure. It may not be popular and you may rail against our authority but in the end you will be glad we cared enough to challenge you into making the right decisions that will allow you to grow with dignity, and respect for yourselves and others and most importantly GOD.

Thanks Ron for sharing a little of your heart with us.  Ron Camacho has authored and co-authored several books (Chicken soup for the country soul, From the heart of racing, and The Last Dragon: Tear Falle).  He is a great dad and husband and his daughters are a joy to have in our girls ministry.  I hope you have enjoyed hearing from his heart.  We look forward to bringing some more dads into the girlsminister.com conversation.  And if you are a daddy, may you continue to fill up your daughter’s love tank to overflowing so that she learns first from you what a Godly man is and sets her up to look for that in her own marriage relationship.