5 ways to help wean students from a cell phone addiction.
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(originally published on Oct 2, 2009 but revised and updated on December 2, 2011)
I heard it said recently that cellphones have become the electronic pacifier of the 21st century. Wow! Yes…that is true. We have students that cannot be without their cell phone. As a girls minister, we have seen this to be a problem not just for our teens but for our parents as well. Sometimes parents are the ones who are wanting their child to have a cell phone so that they can talk with them at an event. We’ve seen unfortunate distractions happen because cell phones were carelessly used at an event by a student who couldn’t stay away from it. Ironically when boundaries are placed on using the cellphone at events or on mission trips, some students express thanks for the break of being “available 24-7″. But there are other layers to this constant need for connection. We have become a society that cannot hit pause…not even in the car. And literally we are seeing a collision occur when people put their need for cell phone connection and/or production above the safety of themselves and others as people continue to maintain constant communication even while they are driving. It’s becoming an addiction, although Texting Queen Emilee Cox might not say it’s an addiction with her 35,463 Texts In 30 Days.
So what are we going to do about it? Here are a few of my ideas to help wean students from a cell phone addiction.
1. While on our mission experiences, we have told students they can’t have their cellphones except during certain breaks. To ensure that their cellphone is charged and checked in, we created these charging tubs. Their name is written in sharpie on a strip of duct tape, and using a dry erase marker, we can check in their phone after each break. We’ve had students thank us for doing this because it allowed them to truly be present when they needed to be present.
2. During small groups, have a “cell phone condo”—-A box that states: “Where Your Cell Phone Lives During small groups.” You could also just have a cell phone bucket placed in the middle of the room and have students place their cell phones in there during small groups.
3. Have your students fill out a cell phone covenant with you. It could look something like this:
I understand that it is possible to make my cell phone an idol or that it may become an addiction for me. I understand that an “addiction is when we’re seeking to find something that only God can provide in something besides God Himself.” (as stated by Craig Groeschel, life church tv) In order to not let this take place in my life, I will agree to a cell phone sabbath where I make the choice to detach myself from my phone once a week.
I will seek to have a cell phone sabbath hour every day during the hours of_________ to ___________.
I will leave my phone outside of my bedroom each night so that I can truly rest and not get caught up in any activity or conversation I might find myself in late at night or early in the morning if it were accessible.
Please keep me accountable to this agreement and ask how I am doing on a regular basis.
I’ve posted another cellphone contract that you can get ideas from here: Cell Phone Contract 2
4. If you are a parent, you may want to consider getting an app that restricts texting while driving. Here are some options:
5. Let’s not forget that modeling cell phone habits is teaching our students and children much more than we may think. I had a student tell me she thought I was using my phone more than I should. She challenged me to not use my phone for 24 hours and she would tell as many people she could about Jesus if I took the challenge. It was a win win for everyone. I took the challenge, and I learned a little about my own cell phone habits. 
I’m sure there are several other things we can do. What have you tried, tested, rejected, and celebrated regarding helping wean students from the cellphone addictive habits? Leave a comment or drop me a line at: girlsminister@gmail.com
Daughters and dating: What influence can you have?
It’s still got some great lessons in there for both teens and parents.
If your daughter is already dating and you haven’t done some of the foundation work, don’t give up. If you are a parent, take time to interact with the dates your daughter is having. Make it required for her dates to spend a dinner or time with the family so that you can get to know the person who is influencing your daughter’s life. Ensure that their character and spiritual pursuits line up with those that you have for your daughter. I have had many a conversation with a parent that is disappointed with their daughter’s choice to date a non-believer. I wonder what conversations happened before that daughter began dating that helped her know what to look for in a guy. Thankfully my mother began having those conversations with me early on. She let me know that she prayed for my future spouse. Hearing that my mom was praying for my future spouse made me want to do the same thing at an early age. I am so thankful that she did that because I can see those prayers answered in the person I married today. Make plans to pray for your daughter audibly about the people who will influence her heart. Tell her what things you are looking for in a guy for her way before she meets a “lloyd” who knows he only wants to “hang with your daughter.”
How to partner with parents in mentoring their daughter
Some of my very favorite people in ministry are parents I know. They are my friends and they are on “Team Amy-Jo”. They are people that I can count on to pray for me, with me, and sometimes they pray without me even knowing. These parents allow me to come alongside of them and co-minister. It’s a special bond. I get the unique vantage point of watching them love on their daughters through the teenage years, and I get to encourage both the daughter and parent as those times can sometimes be trying. I am thankful for the partnership we have. I am grateful for the friendship we have. I say this because I realized this is something I may take for granted, and something I haven’t truly spent a great deal of time talking about here. I must say that I first learned this possible partnership from when I was a teen myself. My amazing mother took the time to allow some women to come into our lives to walk alongside of us. They are my mother’s friends, and they are my mentors. Even as some moved to places like Africa or Mississippi, they remained in my life as my girl’s minister’s. Even to this day, these women hold a special place in our family. My husband affectionately calls them my Obi-wan-kenobi and my Yoda. I love you both Bonita and Robin.
Here’s what I’ve learned from them about partnering with parents to minister to girls:
1. Reinforce the values that the Godly parent is trying to encourage within the daughter. I never received mixed messages from my mentors and my mom. They were on the same page. It made such a difference to hear something my mom had said to me, show up naturally in conversation with my mentor. I knew they were on the same page.
2. It’s okay to hang out together with the mom and daughter. Sometimes as a girls minister we may shy away from hanging out with students and their parents. However, if you can, try to schedule some girl time with both the daughter and the mom. It can be a healthy time of modeling a Christian friendship with the daughter. I loved hanging out with my mom and my mentors. It wasn’t often, but we would sometimes invite them over for lunch or dinner after a church event.
3. Be present, not possessive. The women that mentored me listened to what was going on in our family. They didn’t overstep their bounds and so my mother was never threatened by their presence in my life. I think that came from their ability to listen and be present without being possessive. Now don’t get me wrong, I knew I was their “girl” and I am shaped today because of their influence in my life, but they did not try to replace my mother. Instead, they worked alongside of her in a harmonious way that allowed me to see different role models during my formative years.
4. Call out the good things you see God doing in both the daughter and the mom. These women have been amazing at not only encouraging me and calling out the good things they see God doing in me, but also doing the same with my mom. I know they love us both. It was important for me especially because I had a difficult relationship with my father who didn’t really know how to use his words to encourage. To hear my mentors talk to my mom about what they saw in me was so encouraging. And to hear them say things about my mother only reinforced the value of my mom in my eyes.
There is so much more I’ve learned from the women who walked alongside of my mom and I, but these were the things that popped into my head after a long day. I hope you get to be a Robin or Bonita to a girl and her mom. It’s a forever friendship you won’t regret making.
Life scripting: Are you reading the same “lines”?
I just finished reading a book called: My Teenage Werewolf: A Mother, a Daughter, a Journey Through the Thicket of Adolescence by Lauren Kessler
It was a very interesting read. I don’t agree with everything in the book, mainly because the author does not have experience with the transformation Christ will have in a mother daughter relationship submits to His guidance. However, it is a highly entertaining and informative book that does provide quite an array of research.
As I was reading this book, I would also dialogue with my mother to talk about our own relationship. It was very insightful for me as an adult daughter to be allowed to ask any question I wanted regarding the way my mother chose to parent me. One insight came as I was reading about the author’s epiphany in a department store where she was on her last straw with her daughter during a shopping trip to get an 8th grade graduation dress for a daughter who never wore dresses. Her epiphany was that she was playing a part in this story and kept reading the same lines over and over again. Her daughter would read from the same script. They both knew how this story would end. Each would walk out of the store, angry and stone cold. Each of them would continue this pattern until they got home, where each of them would not have a good evening because of this silent treatment. But what would happen if she changed the script? What would happen if she changed the story? She decided to grab her daughter’s arm and say: “hey let’s go watch a movie and grab some popcorn!” The story changed, and the daughter responded with a hesistant yes.
So my question to my mother was: Did you ever think we scripted? Her response: No because I made an effort not to do that. I wanted you to know that I wanted to know you. My mother asked me the same questions every day after I came home from school. I never wanted to do that to you. I never wanted to get into a pattern where you would think I didn’t care.
My mother will be the first to tell you that she was and is not perfect, but I am so thankful for her and most thankful that she didn’t script with me.
So here’s a question for you:
Are there questions or conversations that you tend to “read” over and over again into the lives of girls that God has placed in your life? Too much repetition in the same exact form will only fall on deaf ears. Learn how to look at your “messages” and conversations to find fresh ways to say some of the same things. ”You are loved” is a good statement for your girls to hear. It can be communicated in fresh ways so they hear it continually in different ways. Mix it up…and see what happens.
Another question: Is there a girl you know who is “reading” from a lifescript that is causing her life to spiral into a story that is going in a direction that is not going to end well? How can you help her to “read from a different script”?
11 verses to share with girls to guard their hearts from The Deceiver
I was deceived yesterday. It’s an awful feeling. I had begun to build some hopes and plans on this “opportunity” I was inquiring about. See, we are trying to sell our home and after almost 5 months of having to be ready at a moment’s notice to get out and let strangers walk through to see if they want to buy the home, I started realizing how stressed it was making me. That’s when I saw this amazing deal on craigslist that offered a luxury apartment for 1/2 price very close to our church that was pretty snazzy as well. I thought we could move there and wait for our home to sell. I contacted the landlord and she was very nice. She emailed me that someone had tried to move in but something fell through so we were the 2nd in line. All we needed to do was fill out a credit report. Well, we didn’t lose any money but we realized yesterday that she had scammed us so that she would get paid for referrals to this credit report site. There was no apartment for sale. OUCH! I was so hurt. I was angry too because I thought I should have seen this coming. But then I grieved a little over the plan I had figured out in my mind. I had been deceived.
As I was going home, I spoke with a mother who was concerned that her daughter was having a problem recognizing her worth and value. As I heard some of what the daughter was saying about herself, I realized that both this daughter and I bumped into the Deceiver. The definition for DECEIVER is: to cause to accept as true or valid what is false or invalid.
You realize that’s what Satan is called in scripture right?
Genesis 3:13 Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this that you have done?” • The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”
Just like Eve, It was obvious to me that I had been deceived but I started to wonder how often I am deceived.
So let’s look a little bit more into that. What was the lie that Satan told Eve?
Genesis 3:4-5 But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not die. ?For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.
What lies am I buying into that I’ve allowed Satan to whisper into my heart? What lies have taken root and caused insecurities and hurt…some that I may not even be able to see?
Satan’s attack was first to get Eve to question God’s truth. As you read what Satan says, it’s sounds very similar in nature to the “How far is too far” question. Second, Satan Denied God’s truth about death. And finally, Satan told Eve something that she didn’t even know she wanted but then before long, she took a bite.
Here is a list of “I AM” statements that remind us of God’s truth. As you read through them, think through lies your girls and leaders may hear from The Deceiver. Which one of these truths is Satan trying to attack and get them to buy into one of his lies?
1 Corinthians 6:20 (You are not your own. you were bought with a price)
Colossians 3:3 (you died and your life is hidden with Christ)
Phil. 1:6 (God will complete the good work He started in me)
Ephesians 1:5 (I am adopted as His Child)
Ephesians 2:10 (We are God’s workmanship created in christ Jesus to do good works…)
Ephesians 2:19 (we are fellow citizens with God’s people and members of God’s household)
Ephesians 3:12 (We may approach God with freedom and confidence)
Ephesians 2:22 (I am a dwelling in which God lives)
Gal. 2:20 (I am crucified with Christ)
2 Cor. 5:17 ( I am a new creation)
Romans 8:2 (set free from sin)
Now I want to hear from you. Why do you think a particular scripture above is key in guarding the hearts of ours and the girls we work with? What lies do you see being conquered as a result of girls truly leaning into the truth of God’s word above?
cool idea for an after school activity
I’m always looking for some creative activities to do with girls at our retreats or to pass on to lifegroup leaders. I stumbled across this recipe at skiptomylou.org Go there for the wonderful pictures. I cut and paste the recipe here. I think this would be a fun activity for a slumber party or a retreat weekend. The possibilities of gummy candy is endless:) Hope someone can use this idea.
Homemade Gummi Candy recipe!
All we needed was 1 -3 oz box of flavored gelatin and 2 – 1/4 oz packages of unflavored gelatin, water and candy molds. (we used two candy molds)
Place 1/3 cup water in a small sauce pan. Sprinkle the Jello and unflavored gelatin over the water. Let sit 5 – 10 minutes. (If you like chewier gummi candy add in another packet of unflavored gelatin.)
Place sauce pan over medium heat and stir until gelatin is dissolved, about 2-5 minutes. When mixture is liquid and all gelatin has dissolved, remove from heat. Let cool a minute and then pour into a container that is easy to pour from. I use a small ceramic creamer pitcher.
Fill molds. If you save the inside of the advent calendar for projects like do, it works perfect! The sheet of star molds worked a bit better than the bears because they are a bit deeper. However, I must say we were just needing an activity so our standards were pretty low— we thought they all turned out great!
Allow to cool completely, about 20 minutes. They may be placed in a refrigerator for about 10 minutes if the kids are eager.
Once cool, the backs can be lightly dusted with corn starch, if desired.
Peel the gummi candy out of the molds. Don’t be shy, you won’t hurt them when peeling them from the molds. No need to oil the molds!
Enjoy!
Make homemade stickers with the unused unflavored gelatin packets.Notes: we felt the blue ones weren’t flavorful enough. Next time we will try 2 boxes Jello, 3 packages of unflavored gelatin and 1/2 cup water.
What’s the skinny on dieting and teen’s bones?
I want to call our attention to something that is not surprising but perhaps may allow us to present a wake-up call to our daughters and those we mentor. I’m wary of posting this on girlsminister.com because I do not want to see this article create panic and then cause girls ministries to hold retreats that make girls take the Presidential fitness test or something crazy like that. I am putting this in the toolbox though to help you have your eyes open to the individual conversations that allow you to speak into a girls heart that may be struggling with dieting.
This is a conversation we should have with girls who have let us know they are trying to lose weight for this new year. With all the ads, marketing, and poor modeling they have seen from the women in their lives…I don’t think many girls know what healthy living even looks like. I do not use the word dieting—because it comes with a lot of baggage. Our daughters and the girls we mentor need to know a quick fad diet may give them immediate results but they are actually harming themselves for their future. I recently read an article from Los Angeles Times and from The UK press that stated:
Professor Jon Tobias, leader of the research, says: “There is a good deal of pressure on teenage girls to be thin, but they need to be aware that this could endanger their developing skeleton and put them at increased risk of osteoporosis.
Click here for the full article
“Puberty is an important time of bone growth… thickness of the bone is still continuing to develop,” Tobias said. It’s also the time when girls start dieting to control weight and cease to engage in rigorous physical activity, Tobias said — a dangerous combination.
With all of the pressure to be a size 1 or 0, I’m afraid girls do not realize that they may be doing great damage to their bodies just so they can fit within a size. There’s loads of articles that support this, but this one just caught my attention today. So what do we do to help girls know how to eat and excercise healthy? A teen girl needs to eat differently than an adult because they are still growing. We need to help girls understand that while the mirror tells them one story, the nutrition they are putting into their bodies or not putting into their bodies may be telling a different story in their bones and muscles. If they start uttering the words—diet, ask them if they are doing any excercise. If they say no, ask them if you can help them figure out some healthy ways to living that help them to move away from dieting. Let’s learn healthy living and take dieting out of our vocabulary. Besides anything that has the word “die” in it isn’t a place we want to focus right? Let’s focus on little changes that we can do for a lifetime…and not a fad diet that we do for a weekend. Help the girls that are in your life that may be living dangerously in these areas not to eliminate food, but to evaluate the types of food they are putting into their body and the amount of movement their bodies are getting each week. and remember—pray that these conversations will lead you to the root of the issue that is prompting these body image problems. Remember to be cautious about what words are coming out of your own mouth regarding your body. They could be taking their cues from you. If it is a struggle for some of the girls you are with, commit to pray about it together. With this said—I am not a health expert nor a nutritionist. If there are girls that are struggling addicts with food and excercise, you need to make sure they are finding help.
Praying for and with parents
Recently I have had the great honor of praying with some moms that mean a lot to me, and listening to them lift their daughters up to God in prayer. As I participated in one such prayer time with a mom, it made me think—I need to make more time for this. I regularly schedule time to talk with girls and disciple them. I work on events to help bring them together and fellowship. I try to regularly encourage and follow up with leaders that lead our girls…but a regular time to pray with moms of the girls…that hasn’t been top on my list as a girls minister. One thing that may escape our ministry strategies are prayer partnerships with the parents of the girls we minister to. There are moms I am now partnering with to pray for their prodigal daughters. It’s important for us as girls ministers to remember that moms need prayer too, and they need encouragement, and how amazing is it when the church and home connect to lift up a unified purpose to Christ in prayer? I think that’s why I know without a shadow of a doubt that He truly is Immanuel when “two or more are gathered in prayer”. Below is a Parent’s Prayer as seen in Janet Thompson’s book: Praying for your Prodigal daughter. It’s a great book and has 40 days of scriptural prayers in the back. I am so thankful for some mothers who have daughters in our student ministry and have allowed me to pray with and for them. They are the primary Girlsminister for their daughter…and they need our prayers.
A MOTHER’S PRAYER:
Is there anyplace my daughter can go to avoid Your Spirit?
To be out of Your sight?
If she climbs to the sky, You’re there!
If she goes underground, You’re there!
If she flew on morning’s wings
to the far western horizon,
You’d find her in a minute—–
You’re already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, “Oh, He even sees her in the dark!
At night she’s immersed in the light!”
It’s a fact: darkness isn’t dark to You;
nigh and day, darkness and light, they’re all the same to You.
Oh yes, You shaped my daughter first inside, then out;
You formed her in her mother’s womb.
I thank You, High God—You’re breathtaking!
Body and soul, she is marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know her inside and out,
You know every bone in her body,
You know exactly how she was made, bit by bit,
how she was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like and open book, You watched her grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of her life were spread out before You,
The days of her life all prepared
before she’d even lived one day.
Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful!
God, I’ll never comprehend them!
I couldn’t even begin to count them—
any more than I could count the sand of the sea.
Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with You!
And please, God, do away with wickedness for good!
PERSONALIZATION OF PSALM 139:12-19 MSG as seen in Janet Thompson’s Praying for your prodigal daughter.
Developing the art of conversation and listening
“They don’t listen to me!” This is a statement I hear over and over again from teen girls. How do you develop the art of listening to a teen girl? It’s different than how it was when they were younger. Girls have a lot of words don’t they? It’s one reason I have loaded “Spinvox” onto my voicemail so that when I receive a call from a girl, their voicemail is transcribed into text. That way I see all the words, and can piece the situation together. Sometimes they don’t talk at all. Sometimes they do that because they know the question you are going to ask them already. It’s a routine conversation…and they hate routine conversations. If we’re honest—we do too! We can almost verbatim know the flow of this conversation because we’ve heard it before: “How was school?” teen: “It was okay” Parent: “What did you do” teen: “nothing really” Parent: “What did you eat?”and I’m shutting this conversation down because it is already snoozing us all. The parent was asking routine questions, seeing if all the necessities were covered. The teen was just going through the motions…but what happens when you ask the right question and listen actively? A conversation may be born!
My mother is the super-hero of active listening. She doesn’t understand why people go to her to talk to this day. She doesn’t understand why when I was in highschool, most of my girlfriends and I would end up where she was. One time that was when she was cleaning the bathroom. We all sat in the floor of the bathroom and talked with her while she cleaned. Why? Because we knew she listened to us…really listened. I never knew what she would ask next. It was a real conversation. So here are some tips to throw those routine conversations out the door:
1. Remember things that they are working on and work those into conversations. It shows you are observing and caring about their world. Resist the urge to judge. Example: “Hey Abby, last week you said something about Carly quitting the cheerleading squad, how is she doing? “ The response could be: She’s okay. If so, ask how the dynamics of the squad are changing because she quit.
2.Ask questions to gain insight into the “ROOT”. So you think Emily is being mean-girled at school? That must be hard to be her friend with all that going on. How are you coping with that? WHY do you think the girls are acting that way towards Emily? WHAT do you think you would do if you were her?
3.Create a place of conversation. My mom was stationed at the kitchen table after dinner to read the newspaper or do a cross word puzzle. She was always on her feet but after dinner, this is where she was. I knew her patterns. This is where I would hang to work on my homework. It wasn’t a place where forced conversation happened. If I wanted to talk, she was there.
4. LISTEN. Do more listening than talking. There are 4 main reasons we listen
We listen to obtain information.
We listen to understand.
We listen for enjoyment.
We listen to learn.
People remember 25-50% of what we hear. So when you spend your time with your daughter lecturing them for 10 minutes, they may only hear about 2 minutes of your speech before they tune you out. However, they will take away much more if they feel listened to by you. This is a LOUD way of telling them you love them and building that relationship.
This is just a start…other thoughts to share from parents or girls ministry leaders?
A New moon (Twilight) video cliff note edition.
Well it’s November. Not only is it “No-shave-mber”, it’s also the month many teenaged girls have been counting down the days for because it holds the release of the new Twilight Saga movie: New Moon. Yes the anticipation has been building. You will start seeing the Twitter trending include New Moon and New Moon kissing scene on a regular basis. But what is this movie all about? What is this whole Team Edward and Team Jacob thing? Well in this movie, Bella experiences a vampire dumping that sends her reeling into depression. The things that Bella does to try to gain closeness to Edward would have me send her to counseling, but that’s not what happens. She develops a friendship with Jacob that helps her limp through the Edwardless days, and begin to get mixed feelings about him as well–BUT there is always the pining for Edward. She literally stops her life and stops hanging out with friends…and in fact—finds that when she is almost killed, she hears Edward in her head. Many of us have experienced the pain of a relationship ending, but it’s Bella’s way of dealing with it that makes me fearful that girls will allow their future dumpings to cause them to grieve in similar ways instead of finding healthy ways to move forward. Stephanie Meyers has modeled the storyline to have a Romeo and Juliet-esque type of romance, and so many twi-hards realize this is the sad part of the twilight saga. But you as a Mom, parent, youth worker, or friend may have opportunity to speak some hope or have some really good conversations about what happens when we do lose those friends or relationships.
What are some positive ways of dealing with that sort of loss? How have you felt like Bella, and how can you protect your heart from finding yourself in a similar sort of grieving? We’ll have a discussion guide later in the month. Here’s is a cliff notes video synopsis of New Moon through the perspective of a sarcastic girls minister. It’s about 10 minutes but hopefully you will enjoy it.
Girlsminister on the road: A New Moon (Twilight) synopsis from Amy Jo Girardier on Vimeo.
- Girardier 2.0 update: we're having a boy! Technology was so good we could even see black rimmed glasses and converse shoes:). #fb
- RT @mikeglenn: New Post by @amyjogirardier - girls minister of @brentwoodbc on Self Esteem - http://ow.ly/6IErg #truthfulconversations
- Proud of the students I prayed with this morning at their school flagpole. Now I'm moving to breakfast. See you at the Puffy Muffin;).
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