Category Archives: Girls Ministry

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When tribes don’t mix…

Yesterday I was talking with a friend who is also a leader of one of our girl groups. She has great insight and also some of the most unique ways of looking at a situation. It was our desire to have a get together for an entire grade, instead of just lifegroups. As we discussed it, the following illustration was used:

maybe this is like “back in our history” when  you knew certain indian tribes didn’t get along. And if they ended up in the same space, war would take place between the two and scalping would be the evidence of the battle.

I absolutely agreed that if we mixed these two groups, that we’d see history repeat itself and these groups may try everything including scalping each other. Each group is a different organism with different personalities, quirks, strengths, and weaknesses. I believe that it is important to continue to build healthy all-grade opportunities of fellowship, but be aware that for some middle school groups, it may be “best for the rest” to keep them in their small group habitat until around 9th grade.  If you have observed that two groups don’t mix well and you’ve tried it unsuccessfully then move into different strategies.

  • Talk to them about being sisters in Christ with other girls through some bible study series on friends and relationships.
  • Help them to become other’s focused through service projects.
  • Look for girls who can be a bridge into the other group.
  • Teach them to pray for the other group, by ending every lesson and having the group pray for a specific girl from that group each week.

These are some of the things we’ve seen happen for some girl tribes that didn’t mix well at first. Remember that this is like a spiritual lab.  Don’t get frustrated, but take heart in knowing that you have the opportunity to help girls know what to do when they don’t like someone.  Help them to look for value in that person and help them to know that God changes our hearts towards people by changing our heart about people. What about you? What have you seen work or not work with tribes?

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Those days happen in ministry…

So this month marks the completion of my 8th year as a girls minister at Brentwood Baptist. Within those years I’ve learned so much. I’m planning on doing a post just on some of the things I’ve learned over the last 8 years. But regardless of the years or the classes I’ve taken, I’m still sometimes taken aback by girls in various situations. Sometimes I’m caught off guard in a positive way, sometimes in a negative way. Sometimes it’s the perfect storm and their unstable emotions collide with my high expectations for them to act my age…
So in an attempt to offer a real glimpse into girls ministry, I’ll share a perfect storm moment from the other day.
We have seen over the years that our saturday recreation event:Gender specific Flag football, has exploded in popularity. I think people start putting together their teams as soon as our Fall retreat ends to begin preparing for the next year. Ironically, this fall retreat recreation option was the brainchild of myself and our then intern Brian who now is our student pastor at our Station Hill campus. It truly is a fun event, but I no longer coach as my involvement was causing teams of girls to not see me as a girls minister but as the coach of the team that they lost to. So this has been the 5th year I have not coached. Other than coaching, there has been this unofficial t-shirt making frenzy that has evolved. Girls now bring t-shirts to their small groups to decorate them for their Football team. It’s a great fellowship idea but…
I was subbing this past Wednesday and stepped into a group that has already gotten the t-shirts and glitter paint out. They were determining what their t-shirt numbers would be. I was getting ready for them to begin their lesson. I told them that we would do the lesson and then spend the last half decorating shirts. They agreed. It wasn’t until the middle of my lesson that I discovered they were still secretly using hand signals to communicate who would be what number, and some girls were secretly painting their shirts behind me. Now these girls and I know each other. I love them. BUT I lost it! I wanted them to crave the lesson which was on hiding God’s word in your heart. I had gone to the trouble of getting special verses for each one to begin to memorize this week. I was so disappointed. Why didn’t they value biblestudy and pick an alternative time to do their girl fellowship? Why didn’t they recognize that this was the purpose of the evening?
We ended our lesson with prayer that was requested by one of the girls.  There were good things that happened outside of the group, but my hopes for that lesson were dashed. I couldn’t help but laugh when another group of girls ran up so proud to show me their “cupcake” football tshirts. So other groups were doing this too. Awesome! (note heavy sarcasm)

So here’s my take-away…The girls were pouring every ounce of their energy into making those beautiful t-shirts that they were missing out of hearing from God’s word.  I wonder for myself what’s my distraction that I am pouring all of my attention to, that is causing me to miss out on hearing something from God’s word?

The other thing I thought of is that next year I’m making a t-shirt decorating event for students to get their shirts designed so that it won’t take up the time allotted for bible study. 🙂
Those are my thoughts…and those kind of things happen.

What about you?

I know the above story may seem like a pretty tame day to you.  It’s definitely not the worst day in ministry…but it was just a frustrating day in ministry.  So what about you?  What middle-of-the-road experience have you had lately that just honestly frustrated you, but God allowed you to see something about yourself…or gave you an idea…or maybe it’s still to be seen what could happen from the story?  Share below.  It’d be good to know I’m not alone in having these kind of ministry days.

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Support & Encourage Girls Ministry – A Guys View

Today we have a guest contribution from the guy’s perspective. You might say we found a guy student minister to give us a piece of his mind:) Okay, but I am excited about today’s article. I love getting to meet and share new blog friends. And Josh is someone  I’ve been meaning to introduce to the girlsminister.com community for awhile. Josh Cosineau is The Youth Pastor of East Auburn Baptist Church in Auburn, Maine. He also is a Youth speaker & teacher. He has a beautiful wife named Anna and they have two sons. I asked Josh to share some insight from a guy’s perspective to help guys who work with girls and for us to hear some encouragement from a male student minister. He did an amazing job so I hope this will be one you read and pass on. Thanks Josh for taking the time to share with us today and on behalf of girl leaders everywhere—thanks for helping us to gain a little bit of a guy’s perspective and truly partnering with us as sisters in Christ. We are so thankful! Don’t forget to check out the questions that Josh gave us at the end of us article. Hopefully it will be something you can use to begin or continue some much needed dialogue between your other gendered co-laborers.

By Josh Cousineau
http://joshcousineau.com

Support & Encourage Girls Ministry – A Guys View

As a male youth pastor I am constantly faced with the challenge of attempting to minister to teens of the opposite sex. I am very blessed to have great female leaders on my team and most likely do not thank them enough for the work they put into the ministry. One key component to any youth ministry is addressing the different issues that guys and girls will face. If your ministry is a ‘one-size fits all’, you may need to rethink your approach. If you don’t see or understand the difference between guys and girls, then you’re definitely not married, and most likely need to evaluate your methods of ministry. It is in these differences that we see the wonders of God’s creation. They also make clear our dire need for a great leadership team that is comprised of not only godly men, but also women who love Jesus and want to serve Him. Our reaction to the female leaders, how we see their authority and leadership, will have great impact upon the girls and guys within our ministry.

Below I attempt to answer two questions that will help us think through these two drastically different areas of our ministry. These lists are far from exhaustive, but my hope is that they will help you think through the role of girl’s ministry in your youth group.

  • How to support and encourage girl’s ministries.
  • Have female leaders – I know it may sound simple but to really minister to the girls in your youth group you must have great girl leaders. It is more natural for us as men to draw men and work with men than to draw and work with woman. Nonetheless, bringing women leaders on-board is vital to the health and growth of your ministry and the girls within our ministry.
  • Treat them like your sister – If our view of the women leaders and the girls in our ministry is anything less than that of a sister, it is un-biblical (1 Tim. 5.2). Don’t fool yourself; men constantly fail because of the lust of our flesh. We have an improper view of the girls in our ministries, both leaders and students. The Bible calls us to view them as sisters. If you struggle in this area GET HELP!!! A great place to start is a little booklet called Sexual Detox. If you can’t afford it message me I will get it for you.
  • Treat them as Jesus did – All throughout the Bible Jesus not only had women serve Him, but He also served them. He did not use them nor abuse them. On the contrary, He loved them, cared for them and saw their worth and value in His ministry. How much more of an example do we need than to treat them as Jesus did? Here are a couple passages that point out the great care and love Jesus had for women and His earthly ministry.

1. Matt. 26.6-12
2. Mark. 15.40-41
3. Luke. 10.37-42
4. John. 4.1-45
5. John. 7.53-8.11
6. John. 19.25-27
7. John. 20.14-18

  • Point them towards Jesus – Our goal is not to impress them, to show them we know how to do it, or to be the end all. No, we are to point them to Jesus. Our love, care, support and encouragement as we treat them like a sister will help lead them towards Jesus. Pray for them, speak the gospel to them, and above all point them towards the only man in life that really matters, Jesus.
  • Their worth is in Jesus – We need all our students, parents and leaders to understand their standing with Jesus as opposed to their standing with us. This is even more true with the females on our team. They are loved by Jesus, accepted by Jesus and adopted by Jesus. We are merely to point them towards this understanding of Jesus.
  • Stay away – When all is said and done we need to just stay away. This does not mean that we are to never talk to girls, but trust me guys, girls want their space. Get great female leaders, treat them as Jesus did, love them and point them to Jesus. Then trust the Spirit and stay away!

The second part of this is; (2)  How can women help us?

The truth is that most of us guys just don’t get women. Regardless of age, we have a hard time understanding them. That is why it is vital to the ministry of the gospel within youth ministries to have female leaders who love Jesus above all and want to serve the girls in your ministry. Here are a couple things you as a female leader can do to help us men.

  • Make it clear – We may need a flannel-graph to better understand it, but please help us understand what you need, how we can support you, and how to pray for you. Even if you say it, we may not get it (yeah, we are that numb).
  • Pray for us – Please pray that God will work in our lives to help us support you. Deep down we are all a little scared. Picture the junior-high dance where the boys are on one side and girls on the other, yeah that is still us. We are timid and need the Spirit to help us.
  • Tell us the truth – We need to know not only what you’re saying, but how we are doing. Women have a great way of seeing the real us. Please let us know when we are too blunt, too weak, or whatever else it may be. We need to know what it is that girls struggle with, and how we can help you through struggles, and help you support the girls in the ministry.

My hope for this list is not that it will address everything that comes into play within a youth ministry with regards to guys/girls ministry, but that it will start a conversation. Here are a couple questions that may help spark dialog.

Guy Leaders to Girl Leaders – [ask these questions in a group setting]

* How can I help point you to Jesus?
* Do I treat you and the girls in the ministry like sisters?
* Are there any areas in my ministry/life that may make a girl feel uncomfortable?
o If so how can I address these?
* Where am I numb when it comes to girls?

Girl Leaders to Guy Leaders – [ask these questions in a group setting]

* Are there actions or behaviors that the female leaders or girl teens do within the ministry that cause you to stumble or issues we can address?
* Am I doing anything inappropriate towards the leaders or teen guys?
* Do you feel supported in my role as a female leader?

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Keeping our “experiences” in check when mentoring girls.

 

Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God. Consider the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith. (Heb 13:7).

The most important thing is putting women in and around the girls ministry that get God’s word in their lives and girls can see the outcome of that in the way they live their everyday lives. Don’t let YOUR PAST EXPERIENCES become your primary girlsministry tool.

Some questions to ask regarding when to use a life experience:

1. Am i sharing this to bring attention to myself?

2. Are there parts of this experience that do not need to be disclosed? Too much information for a certain age group to hear?

3. Am I sharing this experience because it has been healed, redeemed, transformed or is this possibly a therapy session for me?

4. Sharing an experience brings a certain level of authenticity at times so I’m not saying never share personal stories, just ask yourself—what spiritual truth does this experience reinforce as I mentor this sister in Christ?

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Homework Thursday from girlsminister.com

homeworkthursday HOMEWORK THURSDAY

Sometimes it’s easier to know what I should be doing when someone gives me a to-do list.  I’m a great self-starter but on Thursdays…I have a hard time getting motivated because I gave all on Wednesday. SO, to help each of us, I’m starting HOMEWORK THURSDAY where you log on here to get a challenge to accomplish before the day is over.  Hope this is helpful.

Today, your homework is to mail 3 people a card.  I know…this may be the most excruciating thing you’ve done in awhile to have to physically write something and put it in the envelope.   But don’t let that stop you. You can use HAZELMAIL.COM to send a postcard from online that gets mailed.  You have to upload an image to use hazelmail.  Here’s one I used today, and you’re free to copy it and save it as a jpeg so you can use it too!  Enjoy and send a card to a student,  a parent, and a leader to complete your homework for today.

smiley

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Dry. Some questions for leaders.

This picture is such a visual to me of spiritual dryness. Can’t you just remember times when this picture described you?
Walk through that time again. Were there warning signs that you were headed to the desert?
Or did you just wake up one morning aware of your numbness and dry condition?
Most likely you were on a journey that led you to this area. Sometimes it’s the good things that we are doing for God that subtly sneak in and take the place of the watering source for our soul. We can make it only so long before that well breaks and our soul finds itself in a place that looks much like the above picture.

“Jeremiah 2:13 For my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water.”

Isn’t that a vivid picture of what we do to find our souls in a place like the picture above?
As those who minister to girls, take careful watch to make sure the accolades of parents and the popularity with girls do not become your personal cistern.

I’m thankful that I get to work at a church that allows me a prayer retreat day. In fact I’m at coffee with our Preschool minister who is getting ready for her first prayer retreat day since she is new on staff. It’s a day a month where we are not to work on lessons, not schedule appointments, and not work, but to commune with God and so some checking on our soul.
Make time today so you don’t do desert time later.

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Tips to help you interact with girls in the girl world bubble.

I was reading an online article from Reader’s Digest that looks at the differences of teaching girls and boys.  The article utilizes the experience of of David Chadwell, who serves as a coordinator of single gender education in South Carolina.  In summary, one of the statements made discusses how girls  “interpret speaking in a loud tone as yelling and anger, which can cause them to shut down. Stressful environments make girls feel nervous or anxious because stress sends their blood to their guts.”

There were other basic observations that were made, but I wanted to camp out here and talk about ways we can help the girls we lead be able to enter and learn in a non-stressful environment.

Seating in a circle. The article mentions having the girls sit in a circle.  A circle is very inclusive to a girl. It’s a way to  say non-verbally, “We’re intentional about you belonging” and “You’re going to be a part of this gathering”.

Music playing in the background.  If you have an iphone or a computer that can stream pandora.com then that might be a good option for you to have playing as the girls are coming in.  One of our students pointed me to: a station of piano music called Dustin O’Halloran.

Food or a beverage served at the beginning of the group. When boys are omitted from the environment, girls will throw down some food. They may not be as willing to eat a bunch if they are not feeling confident but providing them with something to do or have in their hands will help them become more social and bring a level of calming to the room.  Even I feel a little more comfortable when I come into a room and see food or a beverage because I know immediately what is expected of me.  I’m expected to make myself at home and get social.

Icebreakers that have the leader asking questions of the group. Girls want to be known. They want to have an opportunity to have a voice. However, they try desperately to blend in first so they can take a moment and scan the group to see who they relate to best and who they want to be identified with.  So if you begin your small group by just jumping into the lesson without getting to hear the “voice” of each girl, you are actually slowing down community.  Sometimes a group is too big for you to “hear” each girl so if you can create an icebreaker that gets girls interacting with each other, it allows for girls to talk and be heard by some of the girls in the group.  It’s a safe way to create some interaction to help them determine how to comfortably relate to the group.

What are some tips you have regarding ministering to girl specific groups?

 

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How to be approachable…even when you’re walking your dog.

Last night I was walking my dog quickly to his “spot” and I saw two teenaged girls that I didn’t know walking back from their trek to the Sonic that is located near our neighborhood. I looked intently to see if they were girls that attended our church and also lived in my neighborhood but I didn’t recognize them.  However, I smiled and gave a nod as they were intersecting with the path of my dog and I.  They giggled at my dog Diesel and I then one stopped dead in her tracks to ask me, “Does this look weird with me holding two large drinks in my hands”?  She really wanted to know what I thought about her.  I told her, “Um no. It just looks like you’re thirsty.”  She laughed and relaxed as she rolled her eyes and said “I am—and I love Vanilla Coke!”  I waved and said something to let her know I’m glad.  As I went upstairs, I started thinking—why did that interaction happen.  I don’t even know those girls and yet, they are openly starting dialogue with me.  And then it hit me—-I think it’s because I saw them first and was acknowledging them.

It was such a little gesture but something in my body language made me appear open for conversation. I’ve been realizing that there are things I can do to create an atmosphere for an engaging conversation wherever I go.  I’ve also gotten into the habit of taking mental notes like a detective to determine social cues.  I’m going to share some of those with you and hopefully they will allow you to find yourself having random conversations with people that intersect with your path.

1. Look for shared experiences in the moment.

I was able to have a complete traveling group made of strangers because we were sitting on the tarmac for an obscene amount of time.  We were all frustrated but I chose to break the silence by asking a question regarding the time.  As a result, I made friends with 4 ladies sitting around me.

2. Create a door or a window that opens the “wall of silence”.

So you walk up to a group of girls and they stop talking. What’s your door? What’s your window that will get that group of girls open to talking with you?

Once I was sitting alone at a musical and a group of girls came sitting down by me.  After a few minutes I simply asked: “Excuse me I’m here to see one of the girls from our church in this musical, but I don’t know a thing about this play.  Can you help me know what this is all about?

3. Body language is saying a lot:

Make sure you are looking at people in the eyes as they pass you.  Smile at women and say hello.  It will amaze you at how little things like this make the unlikeliest people come and say something that will strike up a conversation.

What are some things you do to make yourself approachable?

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Why the words”me too” are powerful words in a girls ministry

contributorpostThe following post was first posted as a featured article at Youthministry360.com. I’m excited to be a contributer to this new site. Check out their blog and make sure you check out their resources. Andy Blanks and his team are great people who have a great heart for doing youth ministry full circle. “Youth ministry, full circle” is youthministry360’s way of meeting the needs of youth workers. They offer tools for training, networking, community, and bible study resources. Thanks for letting me re-post here on girlsminister.com.

This summer I have had the opportunity to have a lot of conversations with girls, moms, and leaders. I had conversations by the pool, in our bunkhouse, in different countries, and as we ministered together in the inner city of Chicago. Over and over again in those conversations, I heard two words. These two words are not flowery. In fact, they’re pretty normal. Yet, I found them to be powerful evidence of the community created when we do ministry together.

The two words? “Me, too.”

These two words came about because of connection, and yet, they created a connection . . . a very powerful one. The beginning of the conversation was rarely the same. But somewhere along the way, as trust and intimacy developed, the conversation always seemed to go below merely surface level discussion. Before I knew it, a teen girl would share deeply of a wound, a struggle, a dream, or a victory. Just like that, it was out, hanging in the air for all to see and feel, this deep part of her lingering before the group. Sometimes I wondered how it would be received. But then a beautiful thing would happen. Without warning a girl or two would respond:

“Me, too!”

And where a girl was isolated and vulnerable in her transparency, suddenly a companionship was formed between these girls who had shared a similar experience. We were better for being a part of it because before our very eyes we saw evidence of community.

In ministry to girls there is oftentimes division or separation between different age groups. it’s understandable, to some extent. But there doesn’t always have to be. Ephesians 4:4-6 says this:

There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to one hope when you were called—one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.

It’s such a blessing to me as a girls minister to know that God’s design is for our relationships to be permeated with “oneness.” One of the most powerful things you can do as you minister to students (whether girls or boys) is to provide moments for students of all ages to share with one another. It’s in those times that the words, “me, too” will be spoken. And “me, too” almost always leads to brothers and sisters in Christ encouraging each other to keep going. “Me, too” let’s students know they are not alone in their journey.

How do we as youth workers provide these moments? Here are just a few ways I have seen “me, too” opportunities happen within our ministry:

A Parent Life-group: While our girls are in their small groups, we invite the moms to journey together and get to know each other. Regardless if you’re a girls minister or the leader of 7-12 grade mixed gender classes, making time for your parents to get to know one another does wonders to build community.
A Girls’ Retreat: We have a “girls only” discipleship retreat called Snowball that happens every winter. It’s during this time that some amazing conversations happen in the margins of the weekend. Again, whether or not you can do these types of separate events or not, making time during your retreats for times of personal sharing develops strong bonds of community within your group.
A Mission Trip for Girls: I have had the opportunity to be a part of several as a teen girl, and I have led one all girls mission experience. It was an amazing moment to spend with the girls and leaders without the distraction of boys! It was beautiful to see the girls plan and lead the entire experience.
These are just a few of the opportunities I have seen God use to create some “me, too” moments within our girls ministry. What about you? How have you seen some “me, too” moments happen in your life or among your students and parents?